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I write, read and review, I blog frequently and love anything to do with books and writing, including editing. I am a Book Nerd and I wear that badge with pride.  http://coffee2words.wordpress.com

Think The Jetsons meets the 1940s.

The Porter - Hunter Ryan

The Porter is a short story set in a retro-futuristic America. Think The Jetsons meets the 1940s.


It's all fedoras and scotch on the rocks, trenchcoats and cigarette girls, robots and video phone calls, jet packs and skydocks.

The story has a good pace about it, the driving force of the tale quite internal to one of the characters, but still a great spur for the other characters too.

It might be, that I am just a novella/novel lover and usually find short stories lacking in the detail I want. This one felt that way to me. I wanted more information about the world these characters found themselves. With such a rich setting, the world building could be progressive and new, exciting and earth-shattering. Alas it didn't do this for me.

That's not to say it wasn't an enjoyable read, it was. I just wanted a little more. Something, kinda important to a short story... something like, a resolution.

Again, Hunter seriously needs to engage an editor to go through this. It's the calling card of a beginner indie author, putting up un-edited and un-polished manuscripts. Especially when asking people to pay for the opportunity to read them. This is the fastest way to ensure that the tarnished branding that comes with the label 'Indie Author' stays with the label.

Things I noticed:
2% - ...few more officers(,)" she replied...
5% - ...sweetheart?" (H)he asked...
...right back(,)" she blushed...
15% - "Fly safe(,)" she said...
17% - ...with that girl again(,)" he rolled...
24% - ."Here you are sir(,)" the sound...
Check your dialogue punctuation!! I'm not commenting on this anymore!
38% - you refer to Porter Five's eyes as his, not its...
40% - you start with It did this, then change to 'He knew what he was supposed to do' I think you should keep to one in this section. Perhaps have all instances as he/him/his here.
72% - he made the decision to run, throw the table etc. this line about not having made a decision is therefore a lie.
Also, considering you just explained that Five doesn't know what death is, the comment 'unconscious, or worse' doesn't fit
77-79% (over a page change) - clanging loudly (loudly is redundant. Clanging by definition is a loud sound.)
92% - ...grab home (delete home, insert hold) of something...