I write, read and review, I blog frequently and love anything to do with books and writing, including editing. I am a Book Nerd and I wear that badge with pride. http://coffee2words.wordpress.com
The Phoenix Cycle: Would you?, seems to be a very brief introduction to a much larger story. This section of the story probably raises more questions than it should.
I wondered about the ash, the potato bar, the Inner Circle and who the hell these people were, why they were doing these things and who was the one making them?
I understand that introductions to a story should raise questions, but not that many, and not that many when you're not going to offer anything to the reader as a way of enticing them to keep reading the series.
The introduction is too short for the reader to become attached to the characters, and it's too short for any semblance of understanding to begin. This perhaps, could be the opening chapters of a novel, but don't remove from the rest of the story, because it doesn't make me want to keep reading, there's too much unknown.
I would have kept reading if there was more to read, right there, but now that I've finished, I won't be picking up the next part of this story, it's too vague.
One thing I noticed:
49% - Normally, it wall (delete wall) was locked...